The Birth Of Love

March 1, 2022

When we fall in love, we suddenly see life in technicolor.

Now we feel whole, we feel like ourselves, we are connected.

But inevitably, the veil of illusion falls away, turn out they have qualities that we can’t bear.

Even qualities we once admired grate us. Old hurts are reactivated as we realize that our partners cannot or will not love and care for us as promised.

Our dreams shatter and we feel disconnected.

Disillusionment turns to anger.

The power struggle has begun, and may go on for years, until we split, or we settle into an uneasy truce, or until we seek help, desperate to feel alive and while again, to have our dream back and feel reconnected.

We marry our parents. The partners we seek are the caretakers we have unresolved issues with, and we do it unconsciously.

Every pleasure or pain, every transaction of childhood, has left its mark on us, and these collective impressions form an unconscious picture we’re always trying to match up as we scan our environment for a mate.

Paradoxically, our unconscious need is to have our feelings of aliveness and wholeness restore by someone with the same deficits of care and attention that hurts us in the first place.

So when we fall in love, our old brain is telling us that we’ve found someone with whom we can complete our unfinished childhood business.

Consciousness is key; it changes everything.

Conflict is natural.

Romantic love is supposed to end.

Romantic love is the initial bond that glues incompatible people together to do what needs to be done to heal each other.

The power struggle is also supposed to end.

The emotional bond that is created by romantic love to keep partners together through hard times evolves into a powerful organic bond through resolving conflict.

A conscious LOVE is NOT for the Faint of heart, for it requires LEARNING effective COPING SKILLS than crying, anger or withdrawal.

Conscious Love is reconnecting through dialogue, stretching to give our partners what they need to heal and asking for what we need to heal.

This is not easy BUT it works!

Regardless of what we believe, relationships are not born of love, but if need; REAL LOVE IS BORN IN RELATIONSHIPS.

You are already with your dream partner, but at the moment, he it she is in disguise—and, like you, in pain.

A conscious love or marriage or partnership itself is the therapy you need to restore your sense of aliveness and connectivity, and set you in the path of real love.

  • from Harville & Helen of Imago Relationship Therapy